"exceptionalism" excuses the violence of oppressive power. no exceptions.
It really annoys me when prolifers say that a pregnant person shouldn’t get an abortion to free themselves entirely from an abusive situation since an abusive relationship is better than “killing the child.”
I decided to poke around on statistics and I found the following.
"Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause , and evidence exists that a significant proportion of all female homicide victims are killed by their intimate partners." [X]
Around 324,000 women experience partner abuse during their pregnancy.
26% of pregnant teens report their boyfriends abuse them and that it started or intensified when he was made aware of the pregnancy. [X]
"Pregnancy can be an especially dangerous time for women in abusive relationships, and abuse can often begin or escalate during the pregnancy." [X]
"Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause." [X]
Then I poked around on statistics about abusers reforming. It was dismal. Most of what I found mentioned the only way an abuser can change is if they WANT to change. The problem with abusers is that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. They think they are not only justified in their behavior but ALLOWED to since it’s their right. Then I poked around at custody laws with even abusive parents and that was even more grim.
It’s hard to leave abusive relationships especially in the cases of the finances being controlled by the abusive partner, and the probability that everyone outside of that home thinks the abuser is a fantastic person and couldn’t ever possibly be abusive. So when a person is in abusive relationship and is pregnant, to leave, sometimes they have to cut the ties in any way possible. A judge is less likely to grand a restraining order for them if a kid’s involved unless there’s verified, repeated evidence. And a lot of abusers go to court, and never see jail time. Which just leaves that person in the world to be even more abusive because their character comes into question.
So, put together the fact the law is hardly on the side of the victims, the custody laws, and the statistics with abusers severely abusing/killing their victims and you have a recipe for a necessity to get out at any cost.
The whole system needs revamping there. But in the meantime, it is still going to be a necessary thing. To say otherwise is to say “I don’t care if you end up dead to your abuser. You’re staying pregnant.”
I’ll just go ahead and add that my mother was primed to leave my father when he sabotaged her birth control and got her pregnant with me. Reproductive abuse is a common tactic of abusers, it’s most often used to force women to stay when they’re trying to get out. He did it to her two more times after that, each time she was going to leave, was ready t leave, had the money and resources necessary to leave, was going to take us with her and each time he impregnated her against her will. This is a form of rape and it’s the kind of thing that happens way more often than most of people realize.
Now, as the kid in that situation, I can absolutely say without a shadow of a doubt that never existing at all would have been a million times better than spending 18 years of my life controlled and abused by a sadistic rapist and the same goes for my brother (the third pregnancy was a stillbirth). I like my life now (that I’m almost thirty and have spent untold dollars and hours on intense therapy dealing with the issues that arose from the abuse) and I’m not saying I wish I was dead or anything like that but if I’d never existed in the first place I never would have had to suffer and not suffering is absolutely what’s best for the child in any such situation. As someone who’s been there not existing and not being abused is always better than being abused. Always.
That isolation can be pretty awful. I’ve been very lucky to have supportive friends who actually helped me realize that what happened to me wasn’t consensual. I know not everyone is as luck as I am and it can be a very difficult journey. The amazing thing about SCaR is that there is a great community of survivors here. We all understand what it’s like to go through sexual abuse and to feel isolated. And I can guarantee you there are plenty of people here who will not invalidate your identity and will understand your experiences and support you in any way you need.
You’re not alone.
Just so you know- there’s also a SCaR facebook group- though you’ll have to friend me (Kris) in order to join it because of the privacy settings. (only people in the group are able to see you’re in the group. the group cannot be searched for. For safety reasons.)
and even if you don’t want to utilize SCaR like that? there are other options too.
There may be a survivor support group near you. Or a women’s center (if you’re a woman. but even if not- the one I used to volunteer at was welcoming of other genders.).
Or other blogs on the internet. there are a lot of people with blogs solely about being a survivor that they use to interact with other survivors- so that they can have their personal blog that they already use.. and still have somewhere to go where they can choose how open they are with who they are.
and you aren’t the only bisexual to go through that, I promise. If any of my other followers would like to speak up and offer to talk maybe? I know some of us have gone through similiar things. Unfortunately a lot of people think there has to be ‘a reason’ that someone is different than them. and that’s wrong and causes them to hurt people with their comments. Your identity is valid. and nothing is wrong with being bisexual and you don’t need a reason to be it. Your identity is valid because you are valid.
White feminists need to understand that not all men are sexualized in a way that wholly benefits them. That is something exclusive to white men point blank period.
Because MOC are sexualized in ways that remove their agency and their humanity, and most times this is perpetrated by both white women and white men.
So when you’re talking about the sexualization of men giving men power, you need to be specific about which group of men you’re talking about.
The legal/prison system isn’t a viable option for many survivors of sexual violence. The system perpetuates racism and misogyny, engages in its own sexual violence, responds to a select few “types” of victims, revictimizes survivors in multiple ways (including incarcerating them), and does nothing to address the larger culture of sexual violence.
Anti-violence groups need to provide more options.