Personal Experiences with Rape Culture

I started this blog because I know I have many personal experiences with rape culture and I know many other people do too. I think those experiences should be shared. If you have an experience I would love for you to share it, the submission button is always open. Anything I've written myself is tagged "rcr" if you're interested in tracking it and my "about me" can be found here http://rapeculturerealities.tumblr.com/post/24921936173/about-me-and-this-blog
Asker Anonymous Asks:
Did you hear about the two CHILDREN in India. young teens, 14 and 15. Who were hanged to death... for getting gang raped.. by police..? It gets worse. About 24 hours ago rape became legal in India.. by vote... a country with 1 billion + people and the MAJORITY voted for that... So... I really can't figure out a complete sentence of my own right now...
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

The story about the two girls who were raped recently in Uttar Pradesh was terrible.  The 3 men who confessed were not, however, police.

India has some very complex problems when it comes to rape and sexual violence that have a number of sources.  Like many places, misogyny is very deeply rooted in the culture and while there are many working to change this, it will take a lot of work to make real progress.

Rape is mostly illegal in India, but marital rape is considered legal and some people in power still believe that rape is a suitable punishment for crime.  

To be good allys to those working for real change in India, it is important that we get the facts straight. Like in the US, there are a lot of leaders who maintain a boys will be boys” attitude about rape.  

This does not mean that the people of India as a whole support rape. (generalizations like this are dangerous!) More than 90% of Indian voters see the combating of violence against women as a priority, second only to corruption, the MDRA/Avaaz survey shows.

What it does mean is that they face a lot of the same issues as women all over the world when it comes to fearing for their safety and fighting lawmakers who impose restrictions on their basic human rights.  

There are many brave individuals and groups in India who are fighting to gain ground for women.   Fighting rape culture is not just a local endeavor.  We must work to see it dismantled throughout the world.  This includes supporting and listening to those in India who need our help. It requires that we educate ourselves on the issues with which they struggle and then learn how best we can help them fight for justice.  

-Spider-

Asker Anonymous Asks:
hi! i love this blog its really educated me a lot. i have a question if i may: i'm a nonbinary being and i wanted to know if i can still be a feminist? for the record i was born a 'girl' but i was told designated female at birth trans and nonbinary people cant experience misogyny because they arent girls and cant be hated and oppressed for being one of they arent. i do recognize if i can still be a feminist i shouldnt speak over those who identify as female, i just want to help and support
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

Hello!

You absolutely can be a feminist!  Anyone can!  The great thing about feminism is that it benefits everyone and everyone can participate.  In fact, it’s essential that everyone does participate; we want to make sure all voices are heard.  

Misogyny effects us all and hurts us all. We experience it so often and it’s so pervasive in society that until we learn to recognize it, we don’t often realize it’s all around us.

Feminism is about freedom and equality.  It’s about intersectionality and being a good ally.  It’s about acknowledging your privilege and using it to help those who are marginalized.  It’s empowerment.  

It’s great that you want to help and support- that is very welcome in feminism and so are you!

-Spider-

Asker Anonymous Asks:
Hey, are there new mods here? I just suddenly started seeing posts signed "-Spider-" and it's a little confusing. Sorry if you mentioned it, but I looked around and couldn't find anything about it.
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

Hello,

Yes. I am Spider, the new mod.  My intro post is here Pleased to meet you :) 

Once I was harassed as well and felt unsafe working it out with the person present so I called his boss later and reported the incident and specifically mentioned that I was too frightened to discuss it in the store while he was there in case he would have tried to hurt me further. He ended up being fired (he’d harassed multiple women before me and it was an escalating pattern). It’s totally worth it to call later.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
PT 1.) Okay, so I'm married (I'm 20), and I was wondering is it considered sexual harassment/manipulation, etc. if my husband continues to 'make moves' on me even if I've said no? I tear really easy 'down there' so I'm usually in pain after sex, but he always wants more. Yesterday after already having sex 4 times, he started to touch me. I said no I don't feel well because I'm hurting. A few minutes later he had his hands between my legs asking me if "no really meant no". I said yes I don't want
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

PT 2.) to have sex. I’m HURTING. He said fine and rolled over. Later he, while naked, got on top of me, started rubbing himself on me and kept saying “you suuuure?” I know you like it. Eventually he had me pinned down and kept saying “just tell me no.” and I said I had been this whole time but by then he had already *ahem* you know, started. He makes me feel like I owe him so much, and it makes me feel really guilty. Am I doing something wrong to displease him?

Hey there.  This goes way past sexual harassment.

You have the right to say “no”.  It does’t matter if it’s the first time that day or the 50th, you don’t owe him anything  It doesn’t matter that you are married or if he’s asking nicely.  Your body is yours and when you choose to have sex is a choice you alone should make. 

What your husband is doing is guilting and coercing you into something with which you are clearly not comfortable.  One “no” should be all it takes to stop him. If he is having sex with you without your consent, it stops being sex and becomes rape.  

This doesn’t sound like a safe or healthy situation for you, so what is most important is that you do what you need to do to be safe.

I don’t know what the rest of your relationship is like with him, but there are a lot of things you can do to get yourself to a better place:

You may talk to a friend in whom you can confide and then choose a time to discuss this with your husband with the friend there for safety and support.  You can go to a rape crisis center for treatment and help finding legal representation. It is possible to file a police report as well, if you are ready to take that step. I don’t know where you are from, but marital rape is a crime in the US , the UK and a growing number of other places.

It is crucial that your husband respect your body and your wishes. It takes a lot to be brave and speak up for yourself when you are being made to feel guilty like that, but you owe it to yourself.  You are worthy of being listened to, heard and respected.  You don’t deserve to suffer because of someone else’s needs or wants.  

Please take good care of yourself.  I hope that things get better for you soon.

-Spider-

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I was talking to a coworker about the recent Santa Barbara incident. He compared the way Rodger treated women to the way humans treat animals. Because human's feel entitled to animal's bodies for our consumption likewise Rodger felt entitled to women's bodies for his own pleasure. While I'm a vegetarian myself, this comparison didn't sit well with me, but I wasn't sure how to respond. What's your opinion on this?
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

This comparison is apples to oranges.  There can be no comparison here because the culture that exists in which Rodger was raised and in which he participated and benefited does not translate.  Rodger’s misogyny and rape culture in general are their own brand of horrible and there can be no conflation or cultural shorthand for these things.  Comparing the bodies of women to the bodies of animals is, in itself, a pretty big expression of misogyny, even when dressed up as “for the sake of argument”.

Rape culture is rape culture is rape culture.  It is necessary to confront it for what it is and muddying the water with vaguely similar topics is counterproductive.  

You could respond by asking him to examine misogyny and rape culture without drawing a parallel to anything else- ask him to consider the reality that we face as we live in rape culture and the ways that it permeates every aspect of our lives. How is this culture implicated in Rodger’s actions? Does your friend see how he is a part of  and benefits from the same culture?  Ask him to list what steps he takes each day to ensure he doesn’t get raped or assaulted (spoiler alert; probably not anything) and maybe share some of your own to enlighten him. This line of thinking will give him a more solid understanding of the issue at hand as long as he is willing to listen. And he should be.

-Spider-

Asker Anonymous Asks:
(1/2)I went to the grocery store with my mom the other day and an old classmate(who works there) came up to me while we were talking, interrupted us, and asked me out. When I said no he started shaming me for saying no because he "always had feelings for me" and was "always nice to me". My mom tried to distract him by asking where a specific brand of juice was while I slipped away under the excuse I needed to get milk. It didn't work and he started following us around the store still trying to
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

(2/2)get me to change my answer. I eventually just had to leave to go to the parking lot and the whole time I was afraid he’d follow me out to the car. Later when my mom came out she said she had told a manager but the manager laughed at her because if I was too scared to come back inside to “talk it out with the employee” or make a complaint I obviously “wasn’t that upset”. I was on the verge of tears. I know I can’t shop at that store anymore because I won’t be safe there. Especially alone.

Well first of all, I’m really sorry that you had to deal with this.  It was great of your mom to try and help, but I am appalled that the manager laughed off your feelings.

 If you decide to go to a different store because you feel safer, there is nothing wrong with that, but you have the right to go into that store and shop without feeling like prey or being subject to harassment.  You don’t owe that guy anything just because he was nice to you.

Since talking to the manager didn’t help, maybe you could get in touch with the corporate office or a regional manager of some kind for the store.  Explain the situation to them and give names and dates.  They might be more willing to take your concerns seriously. 

I hope this helps you out. Unfortunately you are not alone when it comes to this kind of harassment disguised as “romantic interest” but I’m glad you and your mom did your best given the situation. Some women get loud about it to shame their harasser, some women walk away, some women just try to say “no” as politely as they can.  There is no right answer to this but the one that is right for you.  The bottom line is that if you do what you need to do to feel and be safe, you’ve done the right thing.

-Spider-

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I keep seeing people post on FB pictures of how hilariously awkward it somehow is that people like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne don't want to physically touch their fans during meet and greet photos while other stars hug fans. To each their own, but.. No one is obligated to like having you in their personal space, if someone who payed you meet you makes you uneasy for some reason, it's not rude to avoid them. Just because you're a paying fan doesn't mean you can't be unwanted attention.
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

I think the way that a lot of people view celebrities is an extension of the way that women are viewed in general; as public property.  

It’s one thing to feel you have something in common with someone, but another entirely to assume that because their image is widely available for your consumption that their body will be as well.  It’s seen as frivolous for these celebrities to attempt to maintain ownership of their bodies and personal space, which is really problematic.

This is rape culture writ large.  The sense of entitlement that some people feel toward women’s bodies is reinforced daily in small ways and big ones. The ridicule that these celebs face for requesting that they not be touched without their consent is the same that we face on a daily basis for  demanding the same bodily autonomy.

Women, celebs or otherwise, are distilled by rape culture into commodities.  Our physical presence is seen as invitation.  Breaking down rape culture is important for ourselves and each other because of things like this.  

It’s great that you can see this facet of rape culture for what it is and that you choose to speak up and call it out.  Every time that we make the choice to point out rape culture and to actively reject it, we do a little bit more to eradicate these deeply misguided values of rape culture in our world.

-Spider-

One of the things that I find most disconcerting is the commonality of rape. It’s everywhere—from TV shows, to movies, to music, and day-to-day conversations. It’s present in English, History, and Health classrooms, political discussions, the workplace, and intellectual conversations. How many times have you come across it?Just the word “rape” is a trigger and every single victim is faced with it multiple times a week or even a day. Just a single, four-letter word. With one word, somebody can cause an onslaught of PTSD for a victim;  it’s not intentional, most people probably don’t know they’re in the presence of a rape victim. But how is a victim supposed to handle being forced to deal with their attack EVERY SINGLE DAY just because a single word is uttered?

And the thing is, at least people are talking about it. At least people are starting to realize it’s a problem because it is so common that the word falls out of people’s mouths without a second thought. It’s misused, used as a joke, and intentionally meant to harass victims. It’s promoted in erotica and porn. This is an entirely different problem.

What bothers me is the unintentional—when a victim is triggered by a “Don’t Get Raped." bumper sticker they see while driving around town. Continue promoting awareness of rape culture, just be aware of this problem as well since this is an extremely important cause. The only way this can be fixed is if rape is no longer an issue, if it’s eradicated from society and rape culture is no longer a thing.

This needs to be done because it’s not easy to explain to everybody why a four-letter word concealed by a slew of others caused an anxiety attack. This needs to be done because that four-letter word should not have to be discussed because it should not exist. This needs to be done because there are too many victims.

Any tips on how to deak with all the people glorifying the abusive relationship in Fifty Shades of Grey? I get really nauseous because it reminds me so much of my abuser
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

I usually just start off by saying that 50sog is an abusive relationship not romantic or sexy or anything positive and then I point out specific examples and then I discuss why that relationship masquerading as something positive is a dangerous thing because shit like that happens in real life and that kind of stuff being portrayed as positive leads to real people being abused and manipulated.

I then usually segue into a discussion of how it’s easy to be confused about that kind of stuff or not notice it because so much of our popular media is full of abusive things pretending to be romantic and or sexy like a woman turning a guy down and then he relentlessly pursues her and accosts her at work and/or home until she finally “gives in.” That’s not romantic or sweet or a good thing, that’s stalking but when that scene is played over and over and over again in movies and tv shows and we’re told how sweet and romantic it is it can be really hard to understand that it’s creepy and awful because that’s how socialization works. Or when a guy attempts to initiate sex with a woman and she clearly says no and he just keeps at it until she “gives in” because it’s “so passionate” and she just “can’t hold back anymore.” That’s not romantic or sexy it’s a form of sexual assault but, again, when we’re fed that over and over and over again throughout our lives the reality can become muddled and that’s dangerous which is why 50sog is such a problem.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
My family promotes rape culture and it makes me very very angry... As someone who was raped in the past it triggers a lot of things for me.
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

I have that problem too, I’d imagine many of us do, you’re definitely not alone there. I’m really sorry that’s something you have to deal with. If you wanna talk about it more in depth we’re around. <3

~ Rage

Asker Anonymous Asks:
For the anon with the problem of her friend having a co-worker who assaults people I would suggest she find a way to get recorded evidence, video would work best, of him doing that then hand it over to the media and the police. The only way that business is going to shape up and give a damn is if somebody publicly shames them.
rapeculturerealities rapeculturerealities Said:

kabutocub:

fujl:

bearcubjay:

kabutocub:

Ok, so I figured that perhaps not everyone is aware that this is available to use now, especially the younger folk out there.

This is OraQuick, and it is an FDA-Approved, in-home HIV test that provides results in about 20 minutes. I’m not sure about the availabilty of this product (or similar ones) in other countries, but in the U.S. you can purchase these at Walgreens for a mere 35 bucks, and you can even have them delivered to your door for complete anonymity.

Reading the results is easy. One line you are negative, two lines you are positive.

image

Why is this important? Well I know for a fact that a lot of guys say they are HIV negative without really getting tested, or they base that on some really old test result. There is no excuse now. You can get this in the mail if you want, and know for sure in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Its good peace of mind. And if you meet someone new and you are planning on playing around, its an easy and cheap thing to do to know where you guys stand. It builds trust right off the bat. Being safe is not just about wearing a condom. Its a combination of many things like trust, knowing the person, closeness, and being a good judge of character. Now on top of that you can keep up with your HIV status on a regular basis. :)

This is important for people to know, I never knew it existed

This is how my boyfriend and I tested before we started bareback in together after being with each other for 3 months. It’s super easy.

I know that it’s scary, believe me, I don’t practice risky behaviors and my anxiety was through the roof. It’s so important though you guys.

They even give you a non-descript bag to dispose of everything in.

I’m glad this is going around. :) Spread the word.

(via lucilleintheskywithdragqueens)

carpeumbra:

kittengrin:

kittengrin:

carpeumbra:

kittengrin:

carpeumbra:

Fifty Shades of Domestic Abuse

50 Shades of Damaging Stereotypes 

Fifty Shades of Wanna Guess How Many People Will Be Hospitalized Due To Flesh Wounds From Improper Knots After The Movie?

50 Shades of Glorified Abuse

50 Shades of Kidney Damage from Incompetent Crop Use

Fifty Shades of Pathological Violence Due To Past Trauma Isn’t Kink

(via choosechoice)