Personal Experiences with Rape Culture

Ok, well, I really hate the word “normal” because there’s a whole institutionalized system in our society set up to create and reinforce certain normative behaviors that are, in general, just keeping the power systems in place… (like how women wearing pants was once considered “abnormal” and homosexuality still is by many people - all that does is reinforce dominant power systems and reinforce oppressions).  I tend to prefer to think of things in terms of what is and is not reasonable and what is and is not problematic for you in your life.  

So, I do think it’s perfectly reasonable to be revolted, disgusted, bothered, upset, etc. by all of those things.  There can be countless reasons for such feelings and, for the most part, if you feel something I’ve found the best method of dealing with it is to trust it and consider it a tool to help you determine what actions to take.  If you’re upset by something try figure out a) what’s upsetting you so that you can get it to stop asap and b) why you feel that way so you can try to make decisions with that in mind.  We all have instincts and emotions for a reason and trusting and honoring them is often one of the most important things we can do for our own mental health, self-care, and overall security.

Then we get to whether or not it’s problematic.  If being disturbed by creepy attention from creepy people is actually causing you real problems in your life then it’s possible that “fixing” it would be beneficial for you.  If, however, the only problem is the creepy people then that’s just not something you can do anything about and it’s most likely not something that you need to “fix” (plus “fixing” it could lead to real harm down the road if you end up trusting someone who’s not worthy of being trusted).  Try not to let “shoulding” all over yourself be the cause of stress or self-hate.  Don’t spend time thinking about how you “should” act or what you “should” feel like.  Instead spend your efforts on what makes you feel good and what doesn’t, what makes you feel proud of yourself and what doesn’t, what’s causing you problems and what isn’t.  If you focus your attentions on what you really want instead of what you’ve been taught you “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing you’ll likely be a lot happier.

I will say that I personally definitely have similar feelings.  I honestly hate getting hit on by random strangers and I hate getting leered at and harassed by disrespectful men when I’m out in public - even when the attention appears on the surface to be “positive” I still find it really upsetting and awful.  It’s one of the things I hate most about our society.  I don’t believe that these feelings are “wrong” in any way for me.  I use these feelings as tools to help me recognize when something’s wrong.  If a person is making me feel upset then there’s a good chance there’s a reason for it (like ze’s being disrespectful, or ze’s objectifying me, etc.) and that let’s me know to avoid that person.  

For me feeling this way doesn’t cause problems, it helps me recognize the creeps and I value that.  It doesn’t stop me from having meaningful relationships with people but even if it did I’d still rather honor and respect my own feelings than ignore/repress them and either end up depressed and hating myself because I’m not making decisions that are true to myself and/or ending up spending my time with people who are just going to abuse my trust in some way.  My mental health and my relationship with myself is just more important than anything else so I protect and value it whenever I’m able to.  I try not to let ideas of what I “should” be feeling/doing get in the way of things; I just try to do things that make me happy, avoid things that upset me, and pay attention to and respect how I feel and think.  

I hope this helps and if you’d like anything clarified or I didn’t answer your question well enough please don’t hesitate to send another “ask”!